"I have one goal this Camino,"o get a tan on my legs." -Ms. Kathryn London
"Morning!" I said to the other American pilgrims at the cafe.
"Morning!" They said. "We've decided your trail name is peanut butter."
Well then.
Katie woke up before me and started early. Saulo and I took our time and started after. It had been a rough night of sleep for both of them, in that very uncomfortable albergue. I sleep like the dead because I am dead inside.
Saulo and I walked all morning together.
"It's interesting," he said. "Your experience traveling as a woman is so different than mine. I wouldn't know it was like that for women if I hadn't heard your stories."
"Yeah, it's funny how that happens. Something doesn't happen to you, and even though it happens to other people you don't realize it exists. For example, I didn't know a lot of things that happen to Black people until I made more Black friends."
He looked pensive.
"Oh, I thought of a better explanation for your question about toxic masculinity last night," I said.
Yesterday he had asked me why certain behaviors were called toxic masculinity and not just toxic. "If a woman does the same behavior, it would be toxic too right?" (You can see some toxic masculinity behaviors here.)
Last night, I had said: "Yeah, I think the difference is that these are behaviors that men are pressured to do, and have been even rewarded for, and women usually aren't. So the behavior is still toxic, but it's already not considered acceptable for girls and women."
"What did you think of last night?" Saulo asked.
"So, just an analogy, not saying they're the same thing...so I am white, right?"
"Yes."
"And the US has a history of sterilizing disabled and Latin girls," I said.
"Really."
"Yes, it's not something many people know because it's not really taught in schools. But anyway, you could just say that's called violence."
"Right."
"And it definitely is."
"But it's also white supremacy and ableism."
"Right."
"It's violence rooted in white supremacy and ableism. Other people who aren't white can sterilize and have sterilized. Other people besides disabled people and Latinas have been sterilized. But when I use words to acknowledge why an act of violence is done, I'm closer to talking about the root of the issue. It gives me a chance to act on the cause."
"Hmm, I see. And do you think you're responsible for the sins of your ancestors?" Saulo asked.
"I think I'm responsible for knowing them so that I don't make versions of the same mistakes. You have to know what something is to stop it. I can go through life as a white person not realizing what other people are going through. Like you said this morning, you didn't know what it's like to travel as a woman. I don't know about other people's lives either unless I try."
We carried this conversation for about 8 km. Our views are not the same, but it was lively and respectful conversation. We started it with, "I'm just sharing my ideas, I'm not trying to change yours." The kilometers flew by.
"I need some caffeine," I said when we passed a cafe. I noticed the older German couple, Friedhelm and Lydia, I've been running into since Lisbon.
"Hello Germans!" I hollered.
"Oh, hello America!" Friedhelm said. "Your friend just left."
"Katie?"
"No, she's still here, she's in the bathroom," Lydia said.
Katie came out of the bathroom. "I could hear you before you even got here," she told me.
Friedhelm asked where we'd stayed the night before. We told him about our filthy school room.
"And at 9pm," Katie told him. "An exercise class started in another school room!"
"Yeah, it was like a boot camp. The guy was yelling at them, and they had very loud music they were clapping too." We were lulled to sleep by the sounds of Latin music, I'm assuming Portuguese music, and Miley Cyrus singing about buying herself flowers until about 10:30. And by lulled to sleep, I mean we talked shit and tried to read books and kill bugs in the room.
"I don't know how they were exercising so late!" Katie said.
"I think the Portuguese and the Spanish both stay up later, because they have siesta time in the afternoon," I said. "We don't do that in the States."
"We don't either," Frank said. "But you know what? These people live longer than we do."
"Oh, I'd love a nap in the middle of the day. Anytime I've taken a nap during my lunch break, I'm a much more productive employee that afternoon."
Katie took off on her walk. Saulo and I rested a bit and ate our snacks before continuing the journey. At some point, I must have mentioned I struggle with general anxiety disorder, because Saulo asked, "if you don't mind, can you tell me what your anxiety is like?"
"Um...do you know what a kaleidoscope is?" He nodded. "It's like I see a kaleidoscope of all of the things that can go wrong, in every situation, all of the time."
"Wow."
"Whenever you have anxiety, other people tend to ask, 'why are you so worried? What could go wrong?' And honestly, post pandemic, I can't be convinced that things can't go wrong. I uprooted my life and moved across the country to California, the state with the most severe lockdown, four days before the pandemic. I didn't have time to get to know anybody. I was completely alone."
"Wow that sounds terrible," he said.
"AND THEN IT CAUGHT ON FIRE!" I yelled into the forest. "For three months! So that's what could go wrong!"
The beautiful wildlife surrounding us was disturbed:
We met up with Katie again for the last few kilometers. At one point, Saulo looked ahead at the trail and said, "Oh man. It's still uphill." Katie gave an understanding glare.
Saulo is going farther today than Katie and I are, so we probably won't see him again. I said goodbye to him at about noon, and then headed to my albergue. Katie met me there, and we sat in the grass and stretched until it opened up. A German man, Michael, joined us. Katie had met him earlier on the trail.
While we sat and stretched, I noticed a tick on my ankle. I brushed it off, but was now concerned. Once we could check into the albergue, I went straight to the shower to get clean and check for other ticks. About five minutes into my venture, I hear Katie laughing
“As per usual, you’re in the men’s room," she said.
“I guess my shoes took me here," I responded.
A few minutes later, I finished my shower, changed in my stall, and walked out with my hair still in a towel. Michael walked out of a shower stall too.
"I would like to take this moment to remind you that gender is a social construct," I said, and walked out. He put his hands on his knees and laughed.
"Katie! Will you check my hair for ticks?"
We went to dinner with Michael, Fabian, and Dorothy, all Germans who came alone. We had a great dinner. Fabian, Michael, and I are very sarcastic. Dorothy was very sweet. And Katie is hard to my bullshit. Fabian said I seem like a fancy girl with a skincare routine.
So I told him when we got back to the albergue, he had to do it with me.
On the way back home, I turned around to the group and said, "so, anybody want to go for a walk?"
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